(Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today
Together in the sight of God
And in the face of this company
To join together this man and this woman in holy
Matrimony)
Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-hah!
I wake up too early this morning,
Gasping for breath in a hot-cold sweat
Your face was the last cruel trick
That Sleep could play on me
Having to spend too long away from you
Never to see your lovely smiling face
Never to hold you,
Hold you,
Hold me?
We'll get through this together,
If not God can kiss my ass
I'll never let you go,
In the face of a million blazing guns
I'll keep you from all harm,
No matter the cost to me or my own fucked life
Cuz if you die,
Who'll pay the God-damned rent?
(Do you INSERT GROOM HERE
Take INSERT BRIDE HERE to be your wife?
To live together after God’s ordinance
In the holy estate of matrimony?
Will you love her,
Comfort her,
Honor and keep her,
In sickness and in health,
For richer, for poorer, for better, for worse,
In sadness and in joy,
To cherish and continually bestow upon her your heart’s deepest devotion,
Forsaking all others,
Keep yourself only unto her as long as you both shall live?
I will.)
Baby, you know how much I love you
And just how much it would hurt
To lose you, to never see you again
To dream of you and to have to leave again,
And again,
And oh-fucking-gain!
There will never be another one for me,
Though I outlive Elijah
And no one will ever love me like you
My stupid quirks and all
Because no one else is as deluded as you.
No one else with that fucked up mind.
(Do you INSERT BRIDE HERE
Take INSERT GROOM HERE to be your husband?
To live together after God’s ordinance
In the holy estate of matrimony?
Will you love him,
Comfort him,
Honor and keep him,
In sickness and in health,
For richer, for poorer, for better, for worse,
In sadness and in joy,
To cherish and continually bestow upon him your heart’s deepest devotion,
Forsaking all others,
Keep yourself only unto him as long as you both shall live?
I will.)
Honey, you know that after all I say
You really are the only one for me
And I would never live any day without you
Lest my heart explode
Explode,
Go fucking BOOM!
And you really are the only one for me
The only one who puts up with my shit
And loves every moment of it
You freak!
Love ya babe!
Mean it!
(And so,
By the power vested in me by the State of Wisconsin
And the Almighty God,
I now pronounce you man and wife
And may your days be good and long upon the earth.
You may now kiss the bride.)
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